Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Story of How Ted Nugent Dodged the Draft

(I found this story on a blog called Various Ecstasies via My Auburn)

Ted Nugent endorsed Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney's oldest son, Tagg, got very excited about this and posted the following via Twitter: "Ted Nugent endorsed my Dad today. Ted Nugent? How cool is that?! He joins Kid Rock as great Detroit musicians on team Mitt!" 

Nugent has, of course, been the center of quite a bit of attention recently for what he said about Barack Obama and Democrats at the recent NRA convention. This has been well publicized and I won't repeat that story here.

 Before Nugent's eruption at the NRA convention, candidate Mitt Romney had this to say: "It's been fun getting to know Ted Nugent." 

All Mitt Romney could say when told what Nugent had said at the NRA convention was this: "Divisive language is offensive no matter what side of the political aisle it comes from. Mitt Romney believes everyone needs to be civil." How weak! How Romneyesque! 

But what's interesting is that Mitt Romney sought Ted Nugent's endorsement even before the NRA convention craziness. After all, Ted Nugent is a self-confessed draft dodger. Oh, sure, he denied that he was telling the truth back in 1977 when interviewed by High Times. But his Selective Service records are consistent with what Nugent said himself. 

Here is the relevant portion of the interview from the October, 1977, edition of High Times as provided by a reporter who still had a copy in his archives: 

High Times: How did you get out of the draft? 

Ted Nugent: Ted was a young boy, appearing to be a hippie but quite opposite in fact, working hard and playing hard, playing rock and roll like a deviant. People would question my sanity, I played so much. So I got my notice to be in the draft. Do you think I was gonna lay down my guitar and go play army? Give me a break! I was busy doin’ it to it. I had a career Jack. If I was walkin’ around, hippying down, getting’ loaded and pickin’ my ass like your common curs, I’d say “Hey yeah, go in the army. Beats the poop out of scuffin’ around in the gutters.” But I wasn’t a gutter dog. I was a hard workin’, motherfuckin’ rock and roll musician. 

I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin’ and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin’ kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer-stuff I never touched-buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I’d drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up. 

See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin’ dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I’m gonna play their own game, and I’m gonna destroy ‘em. Now my whole body is crusted in poop and piss. I was ill. And three or four days before, I started stayin’ awake. I was close to death, but I was in control. I was extremely antidrug as I’ve always been, but I snorted some crystal methedrine. Talk about one wounded motherfucker. A guy put up four lines, and it was for all four of us, but I didn’t know and I’m vacuuming that poop right up. I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop. I was six-foot-three of sin. So the guys took me down to the physical, and my nerves, my emotions were distraught. I was not a good person. I was wounded. But as painful and nauseous as it was – ‘cause I was really into bein’ clean and on the ball – I made gutter swine hippies look like football players. I was deviano. 
So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn’t believe the smell. They were ridiculin’ me and pushin’ me around and I was cryin’, but all the time I was laughin’ to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, “Oh my God, put those back on! You fucking swine you!” Then they had a urine test and I couldn’t piss, but my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin’ up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin’ up. 

So I went home and cleaned up. They took a putty knife to me. I got the street rats out of my hair, ate some good steaks, beans, potatoes, cottage cheese, milk. A couple of days and I was ready to kick ass. And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They’d call dead people before they’d call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know." 

That's the man the likely GOP nominee for president sought out for an endorsement. That's the man whose endorsement of said candidate put said candidate's oddly-named son into a public swoon. That's the man who says ugly things about people he does not agree with politically. That's the man who, when his country called, just "wasn't into it."

1 comment:

Snave said...

I'm just not into Ted, nor am I into Mitt! LOL!

The Nooge, a guy who just wasn't into serving his country. Go figure.