Sure, it's The Onion, so it's a joke. But I definitely know who this joke is targeting. Me. Money quote:
"For more than 20 years, I've had to endure the yearnings of an entire generation of people, so I suppose I owe it to them to finally offer some relief. After all, they've avidly followed my career all this time. I figure it's the least I can do to repay them. Soup's on, boys. Get it while it's hot."