Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

The article is from the satirical newspaper The Onion, but it rings so true:

"'Our very way of life is under siege,' said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. 'It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are'...

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance 'since the Ten Commandments.'"

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.